How to not compare yourself to... Yourself?
We perceive the world and everything that happens in our life.
I know you didn’t read that right, so I’ll say it again:
We perceive the world and everything that happens in our life.
We do. You do. I do.
It’s our perception of of our life that scares us, hurts us, angers us, and frustrates us. There are very big very valid exceptions in relationships and traumatic events, but this article focuses on our perception of the world when no one else is around.
Let’s explore the different your different versions that you’re comparing yourself to 💫
Future You
Moments of comparing yourself to Future You may show up as
Promises you make before considering if it will be a struggle for you
Hastily doing more than is possible for you because you need to become Future You YESTERDAY
Curling up in bed and dismissing your overwhelming to-do list because you’ll never live up to Future You
Feeling exhausted as you brainstorm ways to tackle a new project
Feeling disgusted when you look in the mirror or at a piece of work you just completed
Falling into “wait” mode to initiate something
What You “Should” Want to Become
This is wild, so buckle up. In the 21st century we are programmed not just by our family, community, society, and our environment, but also by the media we consume. All the media we have every consumed in our life. Do a quick calculation of everything you could have possibly seen in your life via audio, video, fiction, and news. Every single element provided you a suggestion of what you “should” aspire to become. Life hack in the “Flip It” section below 💕
Permission
This shows up as hesitation or worry to ask for that promotion, publish that post, set up that boundary, or speak up at a meeting. You are waiting for permission to want to be the person you aspire to become. This is a weird one, feel free to leave me a comment on my socials to get my input on this. You may find yourself falling into old habits that don’t serve your goals or procrastinating on things that leave you wondering, “why am I not DOING this when I want to?!”
Expertise and Skill
This shows up as intense frustration when you have only just started learning a skill. Whether that’s starting a new healthy habit or trying out a new technique in your work, you get filled with frustration and shame that it didn’t turn out the way you intended. Even if you’ve been at it for a long time, be honest with me: Were you totally focused and in your best state of curiosity and learning when you were doing it all those times? This can cause even more annoyance because we think of progress with only time in mind.
Flip It: Excitement
Excitement in the body comes from the same place fear does, the only difference is your perception of a threat. My, oh my, how many threats their are in the above! Threat of disappoint others, threat of disappointing yourself, and threat of choosing the wrong path. In 6,000 B.C. those threats would result in death because of the food you didn’t gather and the beasts you didn’t protect your family from.
Some options to cultivate excitement for Future You:
❖ Use cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets to challenge your beliefs that make you think disappointment is deadly (it’s not).
❖ Use daily mantras or affirmations to get pumped for the person you’re becoming.
❖ Mindfully place a glimmer (opposite of a trigger) around you so when comparison to Future You comes up, you remember that’s all it is ☺️
Past You
Moments of comparing yourself to Past You may show up as
Getting frustrated when you see your to-do list for the day
Procrastinating during time you’ve dedicated to work
Not being able to focus on work, leading to sleepiness, doing a brain-dead activity, or submitting whatever version of work you can complete (and then feeling bad about it)
A feeling a longing for “simpler” times in a past phase of your life (you may not notice that’s where the longing is coming from)
Blame and Resentment
You may not notice this is what’s happening; procrastinating and not being able to focus are both dismissed on you just not being good enough or talented enough. I had a very rocky relationship with Past Khayra for this very reason. Why did she agree to all those things? Why didn’t she consider catching my breath between meetings? All the while conveniently forgetting that I keep making promises without checking if they are realistic.
Grief
Change of any kind can cause feelings of grief. Change in perception can also cause feelings of grief and loss. It could be disillusionment, discovering that things weren’t as you expected, or having a new set of responsibilities. You may feel frustrated and in denial that Past You didn’t see this change coming. This is why I put quotations around “simpler” times. We have the tendency to apply knowledge we have now to our memories of the past, and then beat up our past selves for not knowing something they couldn’t have possibly known.
Flip It: Learning and Gratitude
Learning, that is attaining and retaining information or skills, is much more effective while in a state of curiosity. Curiosity is only possible in a growth mindset fueled by safety. Fearful urgency is great for following a set of obvious actions like run away from bear and hide or executing tasks on an assembly line. To make creative connections and utilize experiences for future similar ones that will serve you, you’ll have to do the real work of being grateful for the decisions Past You made.
Some options to cultivate gratitude for Past You:
❖ Enjoy this line of questioning: How cool was it that Past You had so much faith that you could handle all that? How cool is it that you now know what Past You didn’t: You discovered new boundaries that will serve Future You, who you’re already excited to become. How cool is it that you can be a better Past You?
❖ Get to the root cause of your procrastination and overwhelm with Byron Katie’s Four Questions. Book an Intro Call with me for my guidance on the how.
❖ Have a routine Past You gratitude journal of how Past You tried their best
❖ Have a routine Past You learning journal of how Past You has help you be a better Now You
❖ Make it easier for Past You to win by creating a to-do list habit that works naturally for you. That may be an ideas bucket you routinely come back to or a much smaller to-do list
Non-Existent You
“Perfection”
Psychology Today laid out the dangers of perfectionism (the actual personality style, not the pressures of today’s world):
Perfection, of course, is an abstraction, an impossibility in reality. When taken too far, the striving for perfection can lead to negative outcomes, like procrastination, a tendency to avoid challenges, rigid all-or-nothing thinking, toxic comparisons, and a lack of creativity. Maladaptive perfectionism is often driven by fear of failure, feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and adverse childhood experiences. It is frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and even suicidal impulses.
You are suffering from comparison to perfection if you don’t have a clear mentionable measurable criteria of what you’re comparing yourself too.
Flip It: Accept the Amazing Beautiful You that Is Meant to Be Right Here Right Now
You are perfect.
You are perfect because there is nothing and no one else you can be at this very moment as you read this. Welcome to reality. Welcome to your eyes that are looking at this. How are you sitting/standing? What are your feet touching? This is perfect for this moment..
Come to peace with reality. If you feel resistance to my guidance, let me ask you: How has it been working out for you to blame yourself for not being enough and to wait for permission to want to be more?
❖ You now know that Future You is waiting for you patiently. Go easy on them. Be compassionate to them. Build a plan that makes them feel at ease.
❖ You now have clarity that Past You was trying their very best. How sweet of them! Let’s show them compassion and become the best Past Us we can be. We know Future Us will forgive us.
❖ Now that we’ve taken all the emotional charge away from blame, expertise, experience, and what society wants us to be… Who do you want to be?